The Strangeness of Modern Friendship

A vulnerable share about my relationship with friendship...

We live in strange times.

Beautiful, yes, and weird, for sure.

One way that feels true for me is in the world of friendship.

I have truly amazing friends. All over the world. My global network of brothers and sisters, teachers and elders, family and tribe is a giant blessing.

And yet, they are indeed all over the god damn world. The vast majority of my meaningful friendships are digitally-mediated. Signal messages, Zoom calls, texts and the occasional phone calls.

If I were to add up all the times that I’ve hugged the top 20 people who I feel most closely connected with in the past year, it would be on average maybe 0-7 per person - in one year! That’s insane. Actually, no, that’s fucked up.

I live in Boulder, CO, a core progressive spiritual beacon on this planet. I have amazing friends in Boulder! I even started a collective that’s been meeting for over two years now.

And yet, somehow, shockingly so, I feel like I hardly ever see my friends - even the ones who live right down the street. How the heck is this possible?

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A few theories:

1. Nomadism: The Boulder crowd I feel most connected with - developmentally, spiritually, relationally, soulfully, vocationally, etc - are quite nomadically-oriented. This was true of me as well until about a year ago. Darting off to Costa Rica for a ceremony, and then facilitating a workshop in New Mexico, and then attending a festival in California, and then home again…for like 12 days…until the next sparkle catches our eyes, and then off we go! Many are facilitators and coaches who can and must travel to pursue their callings/trainings, others are in their own healing journeys and seeking various transformational experiences in often far off places, some just love to be semi or fully nomadic, others seem like they’re looking for something deeper but can’t quite find it anywhere, so they keep searching (I’ve been there, and maybe still am).

2. At Capacity: Nearly all of my friends are super silly busy. They’re crushing it in their vocations or working their asses off to build up their offerings. People just seem really full, and really tired aka “integrating” when they’re not really busy.

3. Pets, Parents and Partners: Many of my friends, it seems, fulfill a majority of their relational needs via pets, partners and parenting. Meaning, they have a dog, kids or a romantic partner whom they share much of their lives with, which can reduce the need or capacity for as many in-person friendships. Often I’ll hear a friend say how tied up they are with their kids or commitments with their partner, which creates the effect of those relationships being cut off and segmented away from the domain of friendship, like tidy boxes we neatly compartmentalize people in, often with very little overlap.

4. Suburban Sprawl: Despite Boulder being a small city / big town, many of my close friends live 40-60 minutes away from me in various suburbs. That makes it much harder for a spontaneous hang. It often requires coordinating and advanced planning, and driving often becomes a conscious if not subconscious barrier.

5. Appointment Mindset: Most of my friendships in Boulder seem to involve four activities, all of which are usually scheduled in advanced the same way we would a business call or doctor’s appointment:

   1. Hiking for about an hour

   2. Meeting for tea or a meal for about 60-90 mins

   3. Having someone over for dinner or tea for about two hours

   4. Running into someone at an event, like an ecstatic dance or a potluck party, which usually involves short bursts of connection but not deeper drop-ins

In short, what this all means is that I see most of my close Boulder friends on average about 1-3 times a month.

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A Historical View

Let’s stop for a moment to imagine how (as a vast generalization) humans have lived for much of our specie’s 300,000 year history up until the past 50 years. Usually we died next to the same people we were born alongside. Usually we lived in the same bioregion, if not the same town/village/land for our entire lives. Usually when we moved somewhere, we actually settled for decades if not permanently, or we moved with our entire family and/or tribe. Usually we shared far more (if not all) common spaces and would physically mingle and interact with same humans day in and day out. Usually when we’d travel somewhere far off, it was a big deal that involved having all those person’s loved ones celebrate their departure and welcome them home upon arrival. Usually when someone was pissed at us, we’d have to work it out, or risk our lives killing them, not just “ghost” someone out of convenience.

Basically, the ways things are now, from one perspective, are really, really, really different than how they have been for many (maybe most?) other epochs in human history.

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My Personal History

These post-covid modern times are also really, really different than how I grew up.

I went to small private school from preschool all the way through 9th Grade - one school with only just over 100 students total. That means I knew every person there so intimately, and they knew me, like one big family.

I then went to boarding school in high school and a very small art school for college. During the summers, I grew up on an island where all the kids, teens and families would run around day and night at the nearby beach club, deeply interwoven.

The week I graduated college, I was hired by a budding film production company, and they became like family. We all grew together as friends, colleagues and collaborators for nearly my entire 20s, working together out of their cozy offices in Brooklyn and Santa Monica as well as traveling the world filming projects.

Also, from 18-28, I was in a 10 year committed relationship with a beautiful woman and her extraordinary family, whom I felt immensely connected to.

So my body and being knows - deeply - what it’s like to have tribe, to have friends whom I’m physically enmeshed with day in and day out. Friends who travel through time and space together, not just for a weekend workshop here or a couple years there, but for decades together. Committed. Devoted. All in, to the point where it’s not even a question - it’s simply what is.

It’s only in the past five years - from 30 years old onwards - that my tribe has become globalized and decentralized, and often I find myself physically alone and without anybody nearby who I know well whom I can easily connect with.

My body and being often says, “Hey, what the heck is going on? This is so weird!”

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The Modern Friendship Paradigm

I’ve noticed in myself and others that seeing each other often can feel like work. Because we only connect in-person 1-3 times a month, it feels like a big deal when we do, and we need to be energized and deeply present. Our days are planned around our scheduled connection, and we need to monitor our energy outputs to ensure we’re well resourced for our “friendship time.”

How exhausting!

Imagine if we saw each other 1-3 times a week, or a day, and how much more relaxed and at ease the entire friendship experience might be. Sometimes we could just hang out and do jack shit, sitting in silence and being bored together. Or just cuddle for 20 minutes and go our separate ways, or listen to music and enjoy the vibes of each other’s company while cooking some food, without even needing to talk.

But when I haven’t seen ya in three weeks, there’s a natural sense of, “Oh my god, there’s so much I need to catch you up on!” So we sit down and look each other in the eyes and talk nonstop for 60 or maybe 90 mins, then we give each other a hug and say, “I just love you so much, this was so great, let’s connect again soon!” And off we go to our next appointments.

I’m sure everyone reading can relate to the digital version of this experience. “Hey man, let’s catch up. You free next Thursday from 10-11am for a Zoom?” We get online and basically just talk nonstop for an hour, and then we hang up and move on.

Is this even really friendship? I’m asking this genuinely…would our ancestors consider this friendship? Does this resemble any historical definition of friendship from more than 25 years ago?

Maybe this can best be described as modern friendship.

I’m tired of it, even while I can hold its many insane blessings and beauties, like having extraordinary beloved ones all over the world.

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Postmodernism’s Fractured Strangeness

I remember a teacher of mine sharing once that she’s only met one person who has assessed at the same developmental stage for all 36 question stems in the STAGES inventory (usually one scores over a range of stages). He was a pastor in a small town. My teacher sensed he has more capacity than what he was writing in the assessment, and upon inquiry, he basically said that he has no incentive to “develop.” His family, his community, his friends and his congregation were all coming from a similar worldview and developmental range, and it would be almost insane for him to “evolve” further, risking social alienation and a lack of coherence with those he loves and is deeply devoted to.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

In this postmodern culture that we’re in, we can each create our own unique reality, and then attract people via the internet who reify our reality, and then maybe every once in a while via the gatherings and conferences that I help put on we can connect in-person and fall in love, which perhaps inevitably further reifies our realities, and then we feel even hungrier for a form of connection that we now know is possible, and it becomes increasingly hard not to compare that to other forms of connection that are more accessible to us in our everyday communities.

Our intimacy needs become highly fractured and stretched across planet earth and the imaginal universe, and it becomes harder to touch our deep longings when our souls have expanded beyond the known knowns of our modern realities.

So we become nomadic, searching for pockets of existence that hum at a similar frequency. Or we create facilitated, curated spaces or ceremonies where we “call in the tribe.” Or we bitch and moan (like I am now) about modern society and create funny but truthful constructs like “global intimacy disorders” and “loneliness epidemics” to describe phenomenons that paradoxically make us feel less alone while simultaneously reifying our aloneness.

We make social media tech titans the villains of our modern era while electing social media-addicted Trump and Musk as our leaders, while complaining about it on Facebook and X. Or if we’re above all that, on Substack and Mighty Networks, because that’s, like, totally better.

It’s all so fucking strange, yo.

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Metamodern Regenerative Village

This is the part of the essay where I pivot from the darkness and introduce a light at the end of the tunnel which, of course, conveniently fits into my soul vision (or what some might called a utopian dream) for humanity. And by humanity, I mean, well, me.

I’ve had hundreds if not thousands of conversations with people who hold a vision of a regenerative metamodern village - a land-based, multi-generational, place-attuned collective art project that connects us closer to the land, to our holistic health, to a culture built upon the sacred, to our deepest callings and aliveness, and yes, to each other via real relationship (meaning, in part, entangled physicality).

The vision lives in our collective psyche and is beginning to emerge here and there, little shimmers of potential in waves of undulating change.

I have the intuitive sensing that I will be living in and helping lead one of these communities in the next five years. I hold this both as a prayer and a North Star.

But this article is not about that. I want to return to what we - meaning you and me - can do about the strangeness of friendship right now, while we’re still in these modern times.

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Make Friendships Great Again

Here are some ideas, which is just a conversation starter - a naming of my desires into the field of our friendship. An offering of devotion to what’s possible, right now, without anything really needing to fundamentally change.

1. Spontaneous Hangs: Let’s call each other randomly. Hey, I have 30 minutes. Can I stop by, give you a hug, tell you a funny story that happened today, and then peace out by 4pm?

2. Mundanity-ing Together: Hey, I need to go to a store to return something tomorrow. It will probably take 40 mins. Can I swing by and grab ya, and we can go on a little adventure? If so, what’s a time that works well for you? (love this cute video)

3. Co-Regulation: Hi friend, feeling exhausted after a tough day. I don’t need to talk about it but thought it could be fun to cuddle and watch a movie. Bring popcorn?

4. Co-Working: I have this crazy project that I’m on deadline for. Want to co-work next to me in the morning, and every two hours we can take a 10 minute break to chill, then get back to our work?

5. Task Support: Hi friend, I just wrote this essay about friendship. I’m not sure if it’s valuable to publish or not. Come over and I’ll make you dinner and read it out loud to you like storytime next to the fireplace, and you can give me your honest feedback?

6. Place-based Friends: Hey neighbor, your garden looks so beautiful. I don’t know how to garden. Can I come over sometime and learn from you in exchange for my helping hands?

7. Random Calls: Hola, I was just thinking of you and wanted to call to say that I appreciate you. Hope you’re having a good day :)

8. Weekend Adventures: Let’s book out (in advance) - and commit to - a once a season weekend retreat with a few close friends and have an adventure together!

9. Sports: Amigos, I’m going to shoot hoops at the park today around 4pm. Join if you’re free!

10. Sleepover: Why do friends stop sleeping over at each other’s houses at a certain age?! Come over after dinner and bring a sleeping bag. We can make banana pancakes in the morning :)

I’ve noticed that in the past a lot of these closer intimacy needs & desires would be met through a romantic partner. Which is great, but that can be so much to put onto one person. Having friendships that expand beyond the “let’s meet for coffee twice a month for an hour” model is essential to making our romantic partnerships stronger, as we don’t place all of those desires onto them and can have more of a tribal-level connection, which, I’ve found, releases so much pressure from partnerships.

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The Challenges of Coliving

One way to create more spontaneous and everyday intimacy with friends is to live with them! Maybe the metamodern regenerative lighthouse vision is a few years away, but living with my beloveds under the same roof is possible now.

Kind of.

I’ve inquired about this with some of my closest friends. Many of them already own houses and are “bought in” (literally and metaphorically) to the modern paradigm. Others are unsure where they’re going to be in a year from now and can’t commit longterm to anything. Others are potentially moving, or just moved away to explore another “conscious community” hub. Others are overwhelmed by too much human interaction and prefer to live alone, or with their partner. Others are broke and can’t afford a nice place.

In other words, it’s complicated, and often not so straightforward.

I live in an absolutely beautiful dream house right now with four other amazing housemates. We have so much of the spontaneous moments of connection that I long for in more of my friendships.

And, after just moving in a few months ago, we recently found out the homeowners are selling the house. Why? Because they’re frustrated with Trump and relocating to Spain, selling all of their assets in the process.

As they say, “When the going gets tough, leave everything behind and move to a new continent!”

This isn’t a critique of our homeowners, who are the loveliest humans, perhaps just a sign of the times.

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Spiritually Bypassing Actual Needs

Sometimes one might say, “Well, you’re never actually alone, ya know? You can always call in your friends in your heart-mind, feeling how connected you truly are. Or you can feel connected to Mother Nature. Or to the grocery store clerk. Or to the unitive love of God. Or to your own body. After all, gotta be careful you’re not projecting your intimacy needs onto others…”

Okay. Yes. And, in addition to all of that, feeling at home and in physical meshwork with dear friends is also really important and healthy, for most of us. This isn’t a one or the other thing, as I see it. It’s about holons of home as healthy nutrients of integrative wholeness. It doesn’t mean we will always get exactly what we want, when we want it, but the longing itself, I sense, is not simply a shadow, trauma or attachment wound. It’s also a wise intelligence that recognizes the wellbeing of friendship and, yes, the sickness of some forms of our modern friendship paradigm.

Both/and.

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A Prayer for What’s Possible

Moving forward, what I can do is to share and name my desires clearly with my friends. This essay is me trying to become clearer on what exactly they are.

I can keep staying devoted to the soul vision of a metamodern regenerative lighthouse village.

I can try to expand my friends to those who are more open and available to the types of connections that I seek, even if the depth or capacity to see one another is not as a strong (at first) as some of my other friendships.

I can feel all my feelings, shore up attachment wounds, and continue to do shadow work when fears and stories get in the way of me walking the talk of my own desires (i.e. “I don’t know, maybe me calling this person spontaneously will overwhelm them…I should just text instead…”).

I can pray, trust and hold faith that this is all part of a perfect unfolding of intelligence, wisdom and love that is dancing new potentials into form.

And I can publish this article, inviting in honest, truthful feedback from friends and strangers alike, seeing if there are others who see what I see, or share the desires I hold, or find themselves in a similarly liminal time, at home in the strangeness of friendship.

May it be so. Love, Tucker